Stop faking good sex, it may ruin your marriage

Funmi Akingbade
| credits: File copy

Many couples believe that when it comes to good sex, if you can’t beat them surely you can join them. They fake everything about sex from the beginning to the end. After many rounds of faking, sex becomes predictable and discarded. Some couples fight to regain the spark back and make blue films their guiding light but yet after a while they wonder; no explosions of passion. No breathy proclamations of desire, no tumultuous climax.

How can everyone in movies be having fiery, combustible sex when we barely create a spark?

Relax. Do you know that TV shows and movies give us this much lopsided representation of what sex is supposed to be like.  Everyone seems to be climaxing and having orgasms all the time from whatever they’re doing. They make you believe something is wrong with you or your spouse. Sex in the real world isn’t always perfect, and it doesn’t have to always end with an earth-shattering climax. Real-life sex can almost never measure up to the passion portrayed on the screen. Because films don’t talk about the fact that it’s likely that in an odd position, the acting couples pass gas or the love of their life has bad breath while they kiss. Or the shape and weight of their spouse is a big hindrance.

Even when everything else in the relationship is working, sexual styles aren’t always compatible. You like long foreplay sessions. Your spouse may be ready to go in an instant. You long for wet, sensual kisses. He prefers dry, chaste pecks. Sex is not just naturally perfect most time.

The mistake many couples make is expecting the energy, sexual excitement, eagerness and the passion of their sex life when their relationship was still new to continue for ever. But as time goes on they forget that it is better to learn how to dance together and bump noses or knees instead of faking passion and orgasm.

Long-term couples can easily tell their spouses what dress or shirt they like them to wear, or what they like for dinner, but they tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex and rather result to faking than enjoyment. They’re afraid of hurting their partners’ feelings, so they don’t tell them what they like or don’t like. But you’re not going to get it unless you ask for it.

So how do I tell my partner what I want without bruising his or her ego? I think it’s really in how you bring up the statement; you can have the conversation whenever and wherever it’s most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Is it a question of technique? personal hygiene? timing? Once you know what isn’t working for you there are things you can suggest that can ease those circumstances ‘I would love it if we…’ or, ‘could we try this?’ if something about your partner’s smell is turning you off, suggest taking a bath together before making love. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower drive into sex.

After you’ve tried talking and the sex still isn’t working, experiment together; learn to get to know each other’s bodies. Try some sex aids. Read books with pictures (such as Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Funmi Akingbade), or watch an educational video together not porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over explains what’s happening in the scenes. Sometimes, the problem is a physical one, such as premature ejaculation. Or it may be that the stress from your job is bleeding over into the bedroom and disrupting your sex life. In those cases it can help to see a sex therapist. If you’re faking sex, you’re doing yourselves a disservice because you do not understand what really turns you both on. If you’re still unsatisfied, you may wonder if it is ever OK to fake it in bed. Faking sex will eventually take a toll on the relationship and your spouse is going to realise that you’re disconnected. And when the other party notices a disconnection, many things happen to the relationship. Either one party takes to becoming addicted to cyber-sex, or solo sex or outright exchange of sex partner and infidelity. Can fake sex ever be bad enough to consider ending a relationship over? Possibly. Every couple has the potential to have good sex if you’re willing to put a little effort into it. Good sex doesn’t necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can just be an emotionally fulfilling experience between spouses.